The Business & Pleasure of Flowers
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The Business & Pleasure of Flowers
What is the difference between Observing and Absorbing and Why it Matters!
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Episode 262: In this episode, Vonda and Lori delve into the concept of observing your surroundings without allowing them to deeply affect you. Do you find yourself getting overwhelmed by the news or situations around you? Join us as we explore why some individuals are able to simply observe and let go, while others tend to absorb information and let it deeply bother them.
Sponsored by:
Flower Clique
Flower Clique Prep School
Real Life Retail Florist
I cannot carry their problem for them. I can do my best to help them and I can walk alongside them.
SPEAKER_00Welcome to the business and pleasure of flowers. We're your hosts, Vonda LaFever and Lori Wilson.
SPEAKER_01And we believe the business and fun are a perfect combination. Kind of like us, Vonda.
SPEAKER_02Hello, Vonda. How was your Christmas? It was good.
SPEAKER_00It was good, Lori.
SPEAKER_02All right. So I have some icebreakers for us because you know we need some to get trying to get to know one another. Good old icebreakers. Yeah, there you go. So we did some of these at our virtual Christmas party, but we're changing them up a little bit now after Christmas. And I've added some because I think some of them are kind of funny. And so I want to ask them to you. And then we'll go back and forth. Number one, what is the strangest Christmas gift that you can recall ever receiving in your entire life? It can be good strange or bad strange, but maybe it was this year. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00You know, I don't. I don't I like don't live like in the past. I get past that and I'm like, oh, okay, that was okay. I know, but just think.
SPEAKER_02It's gotta be something. Is there a childhood gift that you remember being like the most amazing? Like you're so excited to get.
SPEAKER_00When I was young, one of the best gifts I ever gotten. I'm old, you guys, was a hairdryer. A blow like to blow dryer. It was when they probably been out a little while, but it was first came out, and I was like, Oh my gosh. And they they probably weighed 25 pounds. Probably. But it was the best. I remember that standing out going, Wow, a hairdryer. I mean, I was a teenager. Oh, yeah. Probably junior high. Isn't that weird when you say that? I would have never thought that. No. Yeah, that was like that.
SPEAKER_02Is a big deal. I remember so we won't go through stranges, we'll go through coolest. Okay. And we'll stay in that teenage age. Two things I'll never forget. Number one, rabbit coat. Rabbit coat in the 80s. Had to have the rabbit coat, the short banded around the waist. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember seeing those. Yeah, with collar full on. Let's let's kill the animals and have them on your body. It was 100% in at the time because my brain didn't connect dead animals on my body. It didn't make that connection. All it connected was I'm going to look cool like everybody else. So that was cool. And for some reason, I really, really wanted, and this dates me too, and you'll get it. Now I know there's a bazillion makeup brands now, but back then we had Clinique and Este Lauder. Those really were the two that I was familiar with. I mean, like high-end. Maybe just starting to hear about like Lancomb products, but not really. Because again, I was still in high school. So you go to a department store. Absolutely. Yeah. Your mom or grandma, I would go with my grandma because she was cool. And she bought all SD Ladder products. So being young, Clinique was it. For Christmas, you know where I'm going with this. Begging or some Clinique products. And Santa delivered. He delivered. He got me this bar of Clinique soap. I don't know if you remember, it was a big bar of face soap. I remember the face soap. And it came with a case, like a blue slide-out case. Oh my gosh. It was I was like, I really thought to myself, oh my gosh, I've made it. I've made it in life. I've got the Clinique soap. I am just as cool as all of the other girls. And that's that's a good memory for me. That was a good Christmas.
SPEAKER_00It must have been code in the Clinique soap. Well, there you go.
SPEAKER_02And you got the blow dryer.
SPEAKER_00And I got my hairdryer.
SPEAKER_02You know, then together, had we shared all three of those things, man, we'd have been looking good.
SPEAKER_00We'd have been in, man. Tell you. Our hair looked good and our face.
SPEAKER_02Our hair, our we would have been warm and our fur, our real fur, and we'd have had good skin, really, really dry skin. Because it was a very drying soap. Okay, I'm moving on. Okay, move on. Christmas, and you can incorporate New Year's too, but I know you're like me. We never stay up late enough to actually celebrate New Year's. What's your favorite Christmas food? Like, what do you look forward to the most around the holidays that you don't normally eat year-round? I know you and I eat candy year round.
SPEAKER_00I was gonna say cookies, Christmas cookies, but like it's Christmas cookies. Yeah, I think so. Like I make Kringla with and only at Christmas, I don't know why, but it is like one of my favorites. Like I can't put it down. And thumb cookies, sugar cookies, you know, the ones that normally you don't make year round. Yeah, it's not food, Lori.
SPEAKER_02No, it's it's no, I we're not savory people, like big party, savory meal people. It's all of the sweet, yummy stuff.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you two, yeah, 100%.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, Bonda, what act over the holidays could have possibly if Santa and his elves were watching? Is there anything that might have landed you on the next year's naughty list?
SPEAKER_00Ooh, well, that's an interesting question.
SPEAKER_02Or let me let me uh expand that. Is there anything in 2024 that you can think of that you can say out loud in public, in podcast public, that might have landed you on the naughty list?
SPEAKER_00You know, first let me just say that I'm Catholic and I can go to confession and get rid of all it. Yeah, so you know what? It's you're right.
SPEAKER_02You're right. It's it's it's gone now. Seven, what is it, 70 times seven, as far as the east is from the west. Your sins have been forgiven. There you go. There you go. Yes, but that's God.
SPEAKER_00I'm talking Santa. On my naughty list, huh? Wow. I try not to be there. I know Santa's watching me all the time, Lori. So I have to be really careful. Yeah, I'm just trying to think. Yeah, I suppose just when I have lost my temper a time or two.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's I think for me, it's not even so much as my temper, it is that he sees my level of annoyance factor goes down. Like I get annoyed easier and easier and easier in my old age.
SPEAKER_00And that's probably what mine is, because I really don't get angry, angry. I just get annoyed, usually by my loved ones.
SPEAKER_02The clothes they know what triggers you. Yeah, I know, yeah. Okay, so I'll reverse that. What in 2024 do you think will probably landed you on the nice list? And this is a hard one too, because you don't like to talk good about yourself. But what's something that you can remember in 2024 that you're like, wow.
SPEAKER_00I'm really happy I did that. It's just those little things at the the store, or that you just take care of somebody's bill, or you just take care of something. And you don't ever say that, you just do it. Yeah, you know, yeah. Just between I guess those, yeah, just between me and Santa. It's just me and Santa. Yeah, it's just being helpful in times that people don't expect. I guess that's it. Yeah. How about you?
SPEAKER_02It's the same thing. I I was thinking through that. Uh, you know, it's almost easier for me to say what's uh would get me on the naughty list than to say what would put me on the nice list.
SPEAKER_00I think Lori, because it's your it's your personality, it's our personalities to give and to care. Yeah. And to to call that out is like you said, that's uncomfortable for us because we don't do it for somebody to know we're doing it.
SPEAKER_02No, no, except for Santa. We do want Santa. Okay, okay. Um, all right, let me see what else I can do. Okay, what was your least favorite food as a child? Do you have one? And if you do, do you still hate it now? Yes, still. What is it?
SPEAKER_00Liver. Ah still did you make it? Oh, my mom and dad loved it. They made it and they made you eat a piece of it, Lori. Oh every time so when we smell it, we like almost ran. Because child abuses that.
SPEAKER_02Oh, liver and onions. I can remember going to Lubi's Cafeteria, which was one of those cafet, you know, restaurants that you'd walk through. My parents loved those kind of, and they my dad would order liver and onions on purpose by choice. No one held a gun to his head like he did it. Yeah. So what is yours? Okay, this is random. Salmon patties. Oh salmon patties from canned salmon. And here's the thing: I do not feel loved and cared for anytime I had them because every single time my mom would make them, I would walk in the kitchen and she'd be making them, and I'm like, ugh, I don't, I've told you I don't like those. And she's like, well, I didn't know that. I thought you did. Like she flat out was lying every time, acting like she didn't know. Uh-huh. And to this day, I think they're disgusting. They might be good. I don't know. I'm not gonna try them. I look back and I found myself with my kids pulling that crap. Like, oh, I didn't know you didn't like this. Not with saying, not with salmon, but anyway.
SPEAKER_00And speaking of things that we learn from our parents, that's kind of, I think, where we're going with our subject today.
SPEAKER_02Yes, yes, that's a really good segue. You sent me this article, and it's not even a long article, but it's the topic, right? Necessarily talking the article. The article you sent is called The Art of Observing, Not Absorbing. You sent it to me, and then underneath in all caps, you were like, This is you.
SPEAKER_00Oh true, Lori. It's so true. I sent it, and then really for the last couple days, I've been thinking about why it is that some people observe and others absorb. And I do think it came down to my childhood and probably yours as well. Yeah, I agree, but I'm curious for you to elaborate on that. So, a couple sentences that my parents would say to me. One was we've talked about before, M Y O B. Mind your own business. Yeah. Just mind your own business. Don't don't worry about them. Just mind your own business. And my dad would always say, it's not your problem.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because I'd want to like help and do all this, and he it's not your problem. Yeah. So those are the two things that I look back and I say, that's why you can observe more so than absorb. Now, it doesn't mean I don't get absorbed into certain people's lives and all of that. That's not it at all. Yeah. But you, on the other hand, when somebody asks you a question, we had this example just la a couple weeks ago, ask you a question and you can't do it and help them, you want to solve that problem and get absorbed into the situation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And you want to be the one there's a difference if it's one of my kids, right? Or a family member that needs help, and I truly do need to help solve this problem. That's the right thing. I need to absorb it, right? Like taking care of my dad right now. I do need to absorb that. That's my family, and he can't take care of himself. It's my job. But the example you're talking about is just a person that owns a flower shop, you know, just a random person, not even a flower click member, just a person we kind of know that had some questions, blah, blah, blah. And we didn't have the solutions for them, but yet I still somehow felt compelled to help them find solutions, even though it was not my responsibility. Right. And what you lovingly did was kind of call me out on it and just say, This isn't your job. Like you did what you said you'd do. Now you go back to them and say, here's what I found out. I'm sorry we couldn't help you. Good luck in your journey.
SPEAKER_00Right. Kind of back to my dad. It's not your problem. Right. Right. And you shouldn't be compelled to absorb that and feel bad because you couldn't do it. Yeah. And you couldn't find somebody then to replace that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. And so I've been thinking about that for a while. And for the fat plastic. And for me, I and I think people, I mean, there are a lot of people like me, especially because this goes into the empathy thing, you know, so very deeply into empathy and the healthy and unhealthy versions of empathy. There are two things going on here. Number one, just me getting that great feeling of solving someone's problem. That's a natural high I have, right? Of the yay, I helped. Yay, check it off of the list, right? And the other is the guilt I have, the subconscious guilt I have of I can help these people.
SPEAKER_00And do you think that somehow goes back to your childhood? I'm sure your parents were very empathetic people. They wanted to help other, especially being very much.
SPEAKER_02Yes, very much, but in very different ways. My father, who I've talked about a lot, always, always, always rooted for those that couldn't help themselves. Right. Which is a beautiful thing. Absolutely. But it was ingrained in me. You help those who can't help themselves. Um, my mother, her life was she was a kindergarten teacher. I mean, you can't not be empathetic and teach kindergarten for 37 years. Yeah. There was no better person to teach five-year-old children on this planet. So I'm raised by these two people with huge hearts and open arms, but you also see them get hurt a lot. Um, not hurt, but like taken advantage of in a lot of people. Taken advantage of. Yeah, I think that's true. Because they always, we always had an open and revolving door of people living with us or taking care of, you know, somebody needed money here. Well, take this. We don't have a lot, but what is our ours is yours. You need food, what is our like constant, constant, constant. Yeah, so I think these are all great qualities.
SPEAKER_00They're great qualities, right? But you have to be balanced. Well, first I need to say my parents were very loving and caring, too. Of course they were. Not your problems. My problem, get them out, get them out of here. No, we had people in all that sort of thing. But what was interesting that you that you said is they can't help themselves, and you help people who could be helping themselves.
SPEAKER_02And we didn't Well, that's where they ran into it, right? You don't know who's truly legitimately can't help themselves. And I mean, sometimes how do we know for sure?
SPEAKER_00Some of this in this article, though, was really thought-provoking. There's a subtle difference, but profound when noticing the world around you and letting it affect you deeply. So this is on a bigger scale, but really how each and every one of us mix those two up sometimes. A couple examples. Cold water feels warm when your hands are freezing. But normally we wouldn't put our hands in cold water. Right. Everything tastes good when you're starving. Maybe even that liver might taste good if I was really truly starving. Not all people have good intentions toward you, even if they're kind. That one struck me. I'm like, wow, wow, interesting.
SPEAKER_02It's true. And I I know that. And I think most of us that go through life as empathetic people know that. And after those of us that have gone through therapy and counseling and life, you know you're going to encounter some users, right? Right. You're just gonna have to filter out it just kind of comes with the territory. Yeah, you're just gonna get a few of them along the way. But I still believe, and because of my experience, the majority of people that I encounter every single day of my life, especially in this industry, yes, are 100% worth spending time with and helping. And absorbing. And absorbing, right? I think the key is absorbing up to what point, right? And that's where those different types of empathy. I cannot carry their burdens for them. I mean, if I'm gonna get biblical, right? I mean, I cannot carry their problem for them. I can do my best to help them and I can walk alongside them.
SPEAKER_00And I think that's the thing is try to walk alongside them rather than absorb all that that's going in there, you know?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I talked to flower shop owners a lot. I just had a conversation right before Christmas with a new flower click member, or she was getting raised to be a new flower click member, and she's gotten a lot of new employees, and she was talking about one in particular great designer. The designer started sharing some issues with her, and this particular woman is very empathetic, very kind. Yeah, but now she's noticing this is becoming quite the pattern, and not only is it taking up a lot of time, it's also a lot of other employees are like, What's going on? Why is she wanting? Can I see him all of this? We need to talk about it. Oh that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. And also, these are unsolvable problems. Like, you can't, she's not gonna be able to fix this because it just seems like she's one that's manifesting a lot of her own, you know what I mean? Those kind of things, and so that's what I when I was reading through this, and like we can get ourselves in those kind of pickles, yes, right, right. And it's hard to get out of them sometimes, and it's real hard to get out of them because at first you're like, Oh, tell me that one time, I I'm here, I want to understand how can I help you? But that's where you have to have some safeguards.
SPEAKER_00Then you have to say, you know what? I think this is past our conversation. Conversations you need to go to talk to.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I wish I could help you. I don't know. I got some problems of my own. Or I don't know. I hope you get that taken care of, but I have to go do both. Like you, you have to create some boundaries. Yeah, that's true. Because I think a lot of um in people like that. I want to say employees, but I mean just people in general. They they don't have the self-awareness. The issue with people with personalities like that or employees with personalities that just keep pushing and pushing their problem agendas or whatever it is. A lot of times they just don't have the self-awareness that they think this is them bonding. They think you just want to know all of their stuff.
SPEAKER_00So somehow that boss needs to, like you said, set boundaries, like you know, we're just saying, um right.
SPEAKER_02And it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be real hard, and you will risk that relationship, you will risk hurting their feelings, but the quicker you do that, the better. You can blame yourself, just go, you know, Vonda. I really, really hope that you can get this resolved. I I don't really have anything left in my toolbox to help you with this. But these conversations are taking away from what we really need to get done, you know, just have a very we talk about this all the time, take the emotion out of it. And you can even say other employees are asking that it's not fair.
SPEAKER_00But one thing that she has done, based on what you're saying, is what this article is saying is to observe means being aware and understand things that you are letting affect deeply.
SPEAKER_02So what she's doing is she's realizing, oh my gosh, yes, it's I'm absorbing too much instead of you know and that's a sign of emotional maturity, right? We get this you can recognize I'm absorbing this and it's affecting my team. And so I think it's again going back to empathy, recognizing that okay, my boundary is I'm starting to absorb this. I wake up at night and think about it like uh oh nope, this isn't good. It's time to get rid of this one because is there anything I can do about it? Does it affect my life in any way? No, then I need to let it go. Yes, let it float away, push it back on them. It is not my issue. If it is mine, again, going back to my dad, yes, that affects my life directly. His care affects my life. That is my problem. So I will absorb it. But the good news is I have a spouse that is absorbing 50% of it too. So we're doing this together, we are walking it together, and I have an uncle that is absorbing it too, and like you know, so we have a team that's absorbing it together.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, thank God.
SPEAKER_02For sure, which is very different. And I write these things down, Vonda, because you can write them down what can you absorb. Here's the things that do directly affect you, and here's the things that really, whether I fix these or not, a month from now, don't affect my life.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. And I think sometimes we have to realize that when we're trying to absorb and take care of somebody else's problem, they're not thinking about it any longer. They would be like a bonus if you would have done it, right? If I would have solved their problem for them, but they're not expecting it. Right. And it's like you said, oh, it makes you feel good because you did that. And they're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you did that for me. But we have too much that we're absorbing now with everyday life that we can't absorb even the negativity that's all around us that we've been listening to in that we've been seeing in the social media groups. It's like, you guys, let's look and see what the positive things that are happening around us, yeah, instead of always taking the negative and letting them drag us down. Right, right.
SPEAKER_02Well, and that's observe but don't absorb. We can take that little phrase into every facet of our life, right? Whether every article we read, every caption we see on Facebook, every news channel we watch, like I love those things. Just I'm observing, I'm not gonna absorb that and let my body start raging or let my body start feeling prideful, right? Either way, either way is wrong. Just observe it and move on because you know what? Tomorrow it'll change. It'll be a new one tomorrow. And so that's kind of what I took from that first sentence. Observe but don't absorb not only other people's problems, but today's news. Yeah, oh, today's news and social media and retail marketing, just I mean, everything because it really brings you down, and I think that's what we have to be careful of causes emotion, it causes our bodies to change, it causes my heart rate to either go up or down, up or down, and I'm like, wow, that's powerful.
SPEAKER_00It really is.
SPEAKER_02When you start absorbing, it is when you start absorbing, you can see it, and you can see people going at it, you know, especially on Facebook, because that's where all the big arguments happen, which make me laugh because I'm like, no one's ever going to change their mind on their why are you guys going back and forth, right? No one's ever gonna go, oh, okay, I see your point now. Oh my gosh, you've changed my life forever. Thank you for that. Like, that's so silly.
SPEAKER_00Not gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02Nope, that's right. And I'm like, do you feel so proud of yourself back behind your computer keyboard? Like, so silly, but anyway, that's a whole nother thing. One thing I did want to say, I was reading in one of my books, and it truly was. I wasn't reading on TikTok, I was reading in a blog, yeah. And I was reading about empathy, and there was a quote by someone, I can't remember his name right now, but we always talk about empathy, like in this article of you know, taking care of people and solving their problems. And so, you know, so many times we get it wrong, we get the word empathy wrong, and it gets a bad rap because it makes people sound weak. And and we've discussed that because it's not empathy, it's not a weak, it's actually a superpower. And he said, empathy is not just caring for others at all. Empathy is understanding that's all it is. Yeah, that's all it is, is just understanding what the other person might be dealing with. It doesn't mean you're gonna solve their problem, it doesn't mean you are gonna change their life, it doesn't mean that you can give them a like it doesn't mean any of that. You don't understand them, it's just saying, Wow, I understand. Or something I hear you, I hear you. I hear you. Do you mind if I sit with you a little bit? I'd love to know more. Like that's what it is, it's just understanding, just like Piglet.
SPEAKER_00Just like Piglet and Pooh Bear. I'll just sit right here with you. I'm sorry that you're not feeling good.
SPEAKER_02I love him. I just love him and Eeyore. He goes up to Eeyore, who really, really needs to be on Zooft. I really do think if Eeyore would have been on Zooloft, he'd have been a whole different cookie. Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00Could be a cookie or little guy. So I'm gonna circle back around to finish this up with something that you talked about earlier with your rabbit. Your rabbit coat? My rabbit coat, yes, rabbit coat because over Christmas I was with my granddaughter Farron. Yes, and she was eating bacon now. Farron is eight years old, okay? So she's eating her bacon, and she said, You know, grandma, I'm eating a pig. Yes. And I said, You are because it doesn't bother me at all. We can eat pigs, and I'm like, Okay, so just like your rabbit, yeah. I love it. She ain't wrong. We can eat pigs. I I like pig, she said. I like pig. Okay, that's true. So I just had to share that. So it's called disassociation.
SPEAKER_02We can disassociate those cute little pigs when it comes to bacon. I could give up ham. I can give up pork a hundred percent. I never eat pork, but damn it, that bacon. You can't every time. I tell ya. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you enjoyed spending time with us because we enjoy spending time with you. If you did, make sure you hit that subscribe button or add the business and pleasure of flowers to your Google morning routine or your flash briefing on Alexa.
SPEAKER_00We look forward to seeing you next week. So please come back and join us to discover how a bit of knowledge and one small change in your mindset can take you to new levels in your life and business.